I was supposed to have a baby today.

A few months back I shared the story of our miscarriage. What I didn’t know then was that the story wasn’t finished. Which in hindsight was naive to think… but I hadn’t gone through this before so I really had nothing to compare it to.

I’ve been trying to write this entry for weeks, you should see all the starts and stops in my journal… this is my best attempt.

Over the last couple of weeks with Finny turning three we’ve gotten the question when are you having the next one?

Or don’t you guys want to have anymore kids?

Or even – your first one is so cute! Make some more!

Well – that was our plan. And if things would have gone according to our plan, our family would have been expanding in the coming days.

But that wasn’t Gods plan. And that’s okay.

Now listen here – there are times that it’s way easier to say that than other times. And that’s also okay. There have been days over the last couple of weeks that folks have asked if I’m doing alright and just that has caused me to get teary-eyed… or in one embarrassing instance flat out weep. (Which soapbox for a moment – we should be able to say how we feel. If we’re not okay, talk about it. Find people who you can tell you’re not okay to. Hold onto them. Then let them tell you when they’re not okay.)

In all of those conversations I’ve been told to mark these moments, to grieve when we need to grieve, or remember when we need to remember, or to laugh and dream when we want to laugh and dream.

It’s been fascinating as we’ve processed the idea of trying again… and the only thoughts I have are these… for the last nine months, mentally, my body has been attached to our babe in heaven. And with today marking that timeframe being over I’m feeling a peaceful sense of comfort in moving on. Now I don’t even know if that makes sense to any of you reading this – but it does to me, and to my sweet husband who has just been so patient with me during all of this.

All of this said to say I’m stil not sure what I’m trying to articulate – but let me just tell you a couple of other things I’ve learned from God through this process.

1. God’s writing my story. My husbands story. And our families story. He know our desires and he wants to give us hope for the future. Not once, though parts of this journey have been gut wrenching, did we ever doubt that.

2. God has been calling me to share my story. The conversations and connections that I’ve made through processing all of this have been crazy cool and something only God could have orchestrated.

3. I have learned to praise Him through storms in a real way. And I’ve been apart of vulnerability in ways I wouldn’t have been otherwise.

When my Nana passed away 8 years ago we were sorting through her things at her home. I found a letter that was written to me on the day she moved from Baltimore (where she was living with us at the time) back to Iowa that she never actually sent. In the letter she tells me how she’ll miss me and our morning snuggles and when I miss her to just wrap my arms around myself and pretend I’m giving her a hug and that she would do the same from where she was. Then she goes on to say that she knows one day I will know how she feels because I will have children of my own to snuggle. I pulled out that letter the other day and just throught, if my babe and my nana have met in heaven what an amazing thing that would be! I’m not saying I know how all of that works but it’s just such an incredible thought that just brings me so much joy.

Friends – if you’ve gone through something like this I’m praying for you today. You are not alone. God sees you, and he loves you so much.

Thanks for reading. xxx

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