You’re going to be okay.

There’s no sign of a heartbeat.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
This isn’t a viable pregnancy.
What would you like to do with the tissue?

These are all things I never thought I’d have to hear someone say to me. 

This is more common than you think.
Let’s get the procedure scheduled and you all set so you can begin trying again.
I’m sorry but at this point I don’t have any hope.
I know this is hard to process, but you didn’t so anything wrong.

I had a miscarriage. We miscarried a baby. Our family isn’t growing right now.


There were so many people praying. For this little life, for our family, for our sweet Finnley, and for our hearts. But at the end of all this, we aren’t having a baby right now.

And that’s okay. I’m going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.

I know that this sounds reads like a jumble of thoughts, but that’s exactly how those three weeks of waiting felt. On the outside not many people knew what was happening our lives. But we knew, our hearts were breaking. Call it mothers intuition, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something just wasn’t right.

Nights of weeping, rabbit holes of what ifs and anger with the question, why me? Why us? And then the OB looked at me after weeks of blood test after blood test, and two different ultrasounds and said, “You’ve miscarried, this isn’t a viable pregnancy, we need to talk about your options.”

In that moment, I just stared at her. We chose the surgical option to remove the tissue, made an appointment for the next day, and then in what felt like a blur drove home and accepted this reality. Weeks of fast-forwarded dreams, planning, and dreaming about what this babe would look like, and be like just gone.

What happened over the next couple of days is nothing short of the love and protection of Jesus. We felt peace, comfort, and more love than we knew possible. Now I know that may read too easy to some of you reading this. But I can’t describe it. In the midst of the tears, the sobbing, and the shaking from the shattered dreams, there was a physical presence of Jesus wrapping his arms around me, around us.

I felt Him tell me that our sweet babe is dancing at His feet in joy, complete, whole and perfect. We weren’t meant to meet our babe on this side of heaven. But I know that one day we will.


I know that some of you reading may have experienced this and I just want to say from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry. I also know that some of you reading this may not have experienced this, but maybe you know someone who has… and as sad as you are for them it’s hard to relate… and you know what, that’s okay too. I have actually had all of those thoughts. They know that there aren’t really words, and that you love them and are sad for them. But they really just could use your love and prayers more than anything else.

Writing this out over and over to get it all just right has actually been very therapeutic for me. That and honestly sharing it with those that are closest to me. I know everyone processes differently, and in the beginning I just didn’t really want to talk about it… I think I was still in shock that something like this happened to us. But now, I want to talk about it for the mom who didn’t want to share, or know how to talk about it, but didn’t want to feel alone through it. There should be no shame or feeling that it has to be a secret that you’ve gone through losing a child. And I also want to share as a testimony to God’s love for me, even though I may not understand His plan just yet… or maybe ever. But that doesn’t make it not true, it just makes me choose to trust more.

The lyrics below are from the song, You’re Gonna Be Okay sang by Jenn Johnson. I still get teary listening to them, for two reasons. One because my earthly body, mind and spirit are going to be okay. We’re going to heal, but we’re also going to still be really sad sometimes and that’s okay too. But also because I hear it as a promise from my Creator reassuring His daughter.

I am so undeserving, but so thankful for your love Jesus.

“You’re gonna be ok…”

I know it’s all you’ve got to just, be strong
And it’s a fight just to keep it together, together
I know you think, that you are too far gone
But hope is never lost
Hope is never lost

Hold on, don’t let go
Hold on, don’t let go

Just take, one step, closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You’ll, get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You’re gonna be ok

I know your heart is heavy from those nights
Just remember that you’re a fighter, a fighter
You never know just what tomorrow holds
And you’re stronger than you know
Stronger than you know

Hold on, don’t let go
Hold on, don’t let go

Just take, one step, closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You’ll, get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
One step, closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You’ll, get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You’re gonna be ok

And when the night, is closing in
Don’t give up and don’t give in
This won’t last, it’s not the end, it’s not the end
You’re gonna be ok
When the night, is closing in
Don’t give up and don’t give in
This won’t last, it’s not the end, it’s not the end
You’re gonna be ok

You’re Gonna Be Okay – Jenn Johnson

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